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They have almost breached the castle wall. Protestorsor the great unwashed, as we prefer to call them here in Westchester and Connecticut, where we tend to not suffer rebellion lightlyhave invaded Wall Street, that patch of land we hold dearest. This puts them about an hours torch march away, even closer when you factor in how many of us innocently go to earn seven figures in the financial district every day, watching lights flash incessantly on computer screens.
But do not despair. Our way of life, worthy and wondrous, is not over. No need to stop passing hor doeuvres trays or rush to stash those diamond drop earrings. We do, though, need to roust ourselves from our political slumber. And quickly. This fomenting mob has, after all, started calling for our heads. And with such uncharming manners, I must say.
As such, its not enough to simply repudiate these venal guitar-strumming vegans. In fact, we need to sabotage these saboteurs, subvert the subverters. You ready?
In the spirit of deceptive military maneuvers that have always won the day in war, we need to occupy ourselves. Thats right: these demonstrations are spreading well beyond Wall Street. Before we are occupied, with college drop-outs doing their repulsive group Yoga sessions on Greenwich Avenue in Greenwich -- which should see nothing but peace and the soles of Bruno Magli -- we need to occupy ourselves.
The winning ruse will be that there is already a protest here. Sorry, Abbie Hoffman wannabes, move on. We were here first. They want class warfare? Well give them a dirty fight.
Imagine their surprise when they arrive in Rye full of righteous rage and weve already beaten them to the protest punch? What will we protest? Its not clear what the original protestors are demanding, so it should be easy on our side. I offer up a few appropriate issues, suitable for reduction onto placards and shrieked through bullhorns:
1) Whats the deal with high-end malls charging for parking? Were tired of paying the man three bucks for the privilege of dropping a thousand!
2) Do our children really have to write essays to get into ivy-league schools? Cant the requirement be dropped? After all, have you tried writing with context and perception about your life? And you are an adult. They are 17. In place of the essay requirement, especially for family legacy applications, there should be a sailing competition!
3) Its hard to sit contemplating your high net worth with the distraction of others complaining about their unemployment. Really, stick this argyle sock in it, would you?
And so there we have it. Our demonstration. Our demands. And, of course, our ulterior motive.
Youve heard of the Arab Spring? Lets give them an Armonk Fall. Ormore to the point--the Ridgefield Rope-a-Dope. Well save our rarified way of life yet.
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Marek Fuchs is the author of "A Cold-Blooded Business," the true story of a murderer, from Westchester, who almost got away with it. His upcoming book on volunteer firefighting across America, Local Heroes, is due out in 2012. He wrote The New York Times' "County Lines" column about life in Westchester for six years and teaches non-fiction writing at Sarah Lawrence College, in Bronxville. He also serves as a volunteer firefighter. You can contact Marek through his website: www.marekfuchs.com or on Twitter: @MarekFuchs.
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