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Whether youre a college student or an adult who sort of likes his job and lives in a suburb, youre going to have neighbors. Its very important to make a good first impression in order for things to go smoothly for the rest of your time there. In classic Ellen style, yesterday I think I managed to completely mystify two out of our six fellow apartment dwellers with my Amazon strength and dashing awkwardness. The following is a cautionary tale, a story of what not to do when you meet your new neighbors.
Last night, I had a sticky situation with the lock on the front door of my apartment. I use the word sticky literally, as once I was done, the bottom half of the key was stuck in the lock, and I held the top half in my hands, (which are way stronger than I realized.) The lock on our front only opens if you maneuver the key a particular way, clap your heels together three times and say theres no place like places with keypads instead of keys, and rather than become Dorothy, in this instance, I was the Hulk.
Once I broke my key in half, after 20 minutes of frustrated twisting and turning in the lock, I decided to see if one of my roommates left the fire escape open. No avail, but on my way I noticed that a neighbor who lives in the back apartment was home. I swallowed my pride and knocked on his door, explained my predicament and asked if I could pass through his apartment into the main hallway. After introducing me to his cat, Rufus (I hate cats so much) and encouraging me to pet the thing (no, thank you,) he informed me that his apartment does not go out into the hallway, but rather, into the apartment in the front of the building that houses a very strait-laced student of law at Villanova University. The law student doesnt like to be disturbed, but that wont be necessary, he told me, because he would glue my key back together.
As hes attacking my key with Gorilla Glue and pliers and I am dancing around his living room trying to avoid the imminent nuzzling from the feline of doom, I learned that my neighbor is a second-year Masters student studying Renaissance Literature and just returned from delivering a paper in England. At that point, it became clear why he lives alone with his cat AND why he thought gluing a key back together was a good idea, but I was so thankful for any help that I stifled my urge to suggest that gluing the key together wasnt the most sensible option.
Once he was finished, I thanked my new friend and went on my way to the front door again to see if my Frankenkey would let me into my apartment. While walking, I thanked every deity I could think of that I didnt have to interrupt our notoriously hard-working and extremely good looking law student neighbor to open the door. That would have been significantly more awkward, especially since I was sweaty and exhausted from this whole saga- not the prime condition to meet a potential husband. Furthermore, he often studies shirtless and lives on the first floor lets just say that he put up curtains in every window and my roommates and I are pretty sure that its our fault.
As I wiggled the key gently in the lock, all hell broke loose. The key snapped in half again, I cursed loudly and my Gorilla Glue neighbor showed up behind me, letting me know that he knocked on the wall of foxy law students apartment asking him to let me in. I flung myself around and saw a chiseled face looking at me with annoyance, holding the door open and tapping his foot impatiently. Flustered, I grabbed all my things and ran through the door, profusely thanking both of them as Mr. Elle Woods slammed the door in Cat Mans face and silently went back into his apartment without acknowledging me in the slightest. I yelled my LSAT score. No response.
I wonder if Ill be invited to the block party this year
Ellen Ring is a Yorktown native finishing her senior year at Villanova University where she is pursuing degrees in English, Chinese and Writing and Rhetoric. She is looking forward to attending law school next fall and providing her readers with her great college tales in the meantime.
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