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For those of you who thought The Tappan Zee Bridge was our signature piece of dangerously antiquated infrastructure, here's despairing news: there's more antiquated danger where that came from. Hundreds of dams in our area are long-in-the-tooth at best and decrepit at worst.
In fact, nearly 400 dams in Westchester, Putnam and Rockland County averaged 75 years of age and stand (at least for now) in dire need of repair, The Journal News reported recently. The problem? You guessed itthere's not enough money to repair them.
This is obviously a problem with serious ramifications, and it's hard to laugh at potential trouble, especially of the watery variety. But these days, when even the rarified lands of Connecticut and Westchester have suffered lowered debt outlooks by Moody's, the bond-rating agency, and the jugglers and clowns march on in Washingtonwell, we can probably all agree on this:
If you can't laugh at your troubles, you'll cry.
So, given the choice, let's laughor at least try. When I think of flood, I think of Noah and his ark. Perhaps it's time to re-imagine this bible story, local style. Can't you see the story revisited, as God tells Noah to make an ark to save himself, his family...and two late model sports cars of every year and make?
And what ark setting off from this area would be complete without Indian Point 1 and 2?
In the story of Noah's ark, God created a flood because great wickedness was loose on the land. Looking around Connecticut and Westchester, I can't believe that great wickedness is afoot, but perhaps God is extra sensitive these days to materialism, fad exercise regimes and helicopter parenting.
Noah was righteous but not sinless (join the club, dude), but the question still lingers: who among us will emerge as the latter day Noah, sailing us off into the deep and over the Stamford and Westchester Malls? Anyone who drives the Saw Mill Parkway in downpours probably qualifies, but I don't see too many in these well-to-do suburbs who are truly handy with tools. No problem there: when it comes to building the ark, we'll just hire. Remind me to put a pair of high-end contractors on the "To Save" listthough the way they charge, I'm not sure they are free of sin. Hopefully, though, they'll be out to impress. I'm envisioning an ark with an attention-grabbing great room.
But how will we know when the lands around Westchester and Connecticut are dry and it is safe to leave the fold of our ark 2.0? Look on the bright side: with a Smartphone in every pocket, we wouldn't need a raven. There's got to be an App for leaving an ark.
Only problem is that originally God was mollified: he only saw fit to flood the earth once, then was done smiting sinners. But with the look of these porous, teetering dams lurking all around, we might not be so lucky here. Come to think of it, it's not very chic and the persnickety neighbor's will haul us before the zoning board, but, considering those doomed dams, even after we get back from our 40 day jaunt, let's keep the ark on blocks in the yard. Just in case.
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Marek Fuchs is the author of "A Cold-Blooded Business," called "riveting" by Kirkus Reviews. He wrote The New York Times' "County Lines" column about life in Westchester for six years and teaches non-fiction writing at Sarah Lawrence College, in Bronxville. When not writing or teaching, he serves as a volunteer firefighter. You can contact Marek through his website: www.marekfuchs.com or on Twitter: @MarekFuchs.
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