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A close friend of mine told me she was admonished by an acquaintance recently for not doing more to bring money into the household. My friend had been complaining of her money woes and this person said she was foolish for not going back to work full-time in the high-paying industry she had worked in prior to having children. With three young children, one of them severely disabled, my friend decided that her children needed her more than they needed more money.
Although she does work, it's not enough to allay the money worries that hang heavy on the shoulders of her and her family. If she did as her admonisher suggested, her family would have far less to worry about from a financial perspective, that's true. I observed out loud though, that while they wouldn't have to worry about money, they would worry about their children, and wouldn't it be better to worry about money than your children? Tough choice I know but when your values are clear, it's not the choice that's tough. What can be tough is having the strength to see your choice through despite the doubts that may creep in when the bills pile up, for example, or what others may think or say.
It seems we are constantly presented with decisions to make, forks in the road leading one way or another. Some choices we make without even batting an eye. The ease with which we make these decisions is either the result of not having very much at stake (should I have the soup or the salad?) or having a very clear idea of your priorities...and the values that created those priorities.
I tend to be someone who has a difficult time making decisions. I wrestle with them, agonize over them, flip them over and upside down, talk about them with family and friends till eyes glaze over and sometimes lose sleep over them. I'll wake up one day and be utterly convinced to decide in favor of something and then a day later, swear I'm convinced of the complete opposite. It can be maddening. Not only for me, but also for the people who know me and are forced to listen, watch and sometimes turn away to yawn...or gag.
Now, I would venture to say most of us think we have a pretty good sense of our value system. We paint our value system in lovely, broad watercolor brush strokes. Hues of ethereal blues blend into violet, vibrant yellows melt into burnt oranges...it feels good to think, yes, this is good. I'm a good person, I try to do no harm, it's all beautiful.
And it is. But sometimes I think the world might be a better place if the more dominating colors in our lives were black and white. If we believe that our decisions can live in all shades of beautiful colors, then they are likely based on personal preference, the day of the week, the situation we are in, how much money we have - or don't have. It's really just whimsy then, isn't it?
Imagine your values are like a double yellow line down the middle of a road. Stick to your values; stick to the lines. It certainly makes for a less erratic trip. Swaying from side to side of the road on whimsy with no sense of where the middle is takes a lot of energy. And sometimes we may land in a ditch on the side of the road. When we make decisions based on our values, it doesn't mean they are easy; it just means they are clear. Then it's a matter of having the courage to make them and the strength to see them through.
The conversation with my friend made me think about how and why I wrestle with decisions, and then I understood: Find your yellow line - sometimes that's the hard part - but once you do, hug it tightly as you wind through the hills and valleys of life. Perhaps you'll turn a gratuitous joyride into a meaningful and joyous one.
Editor's note: Fairfield, Conn.-based Linda Soper-Kolton is the owner and chef of GreenGourmetToGo in Bridgeport.
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