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At a certain point in every students life, he or she is forced to take the most dreaded kind of teststandardized. By my definition, a standardized test is when some unknown money-hungry establishment convinces educators that they must evaluate students by putting them in a stuffy room for an extended period of time and surround them with clouds of eraser dust and judgment. There are lots of lead-filled ovals, coffees and longing stares at the clock. It is one of the worst experiences of any students career, but I have discovered that the event can be brightened by extensive observation of other personalities in the room.
Recently, I have found myself in a lot of different standardized test situations; I have taken the LSAT and several teacher certification tests in the past few months. The funny part about these scenarios is that they have many common elements, despite the fact that they were completely different tests. Today Id like to share with you the basic personalities that one may find in any standardized testing room.
To begin, in every test, there is a Sniffler. This person is an endless faucet of grossness that can only be placated with a mountain of Puffs (with lotion) tissues that will gradually get crusty with overuse during the two or three hours during which they are being observed. The Sniffler is sorry to interrupt you with the symptoms of her plague, and I assure you, she is having a worse time dealing with her endless nose-magma than you are listening to the symphony of snot. She just recently got this cold and announces, with a hearty cough, the presence of her ailment to everyone when she enters the room. It is unlikely that other test-goers can ever fully mentally prepare for her cacophony of sneezes, snuffles, and phlegm-filled snorts that will haunt them once the test has been completed. Nobody likes The Sniffler, so I am sorry if that was ever you. I hope you are feeling better.
Enter another usual character, the Stretcher. The Stretcher has been training for this test since birth with a daily series of four hundred different in-chair stretches that will be demonstrated throughout the test. This person has the tightest muscles out of everyone in the room and will let you know by doing a sitting version of downward facing dog in the midst of a math problem and enjoying some sun salutations while everyone else is enjoying their mid-test snack break. Weve all seen The Stretcher doing lunges and toe-touches in order to prepare for their upcoming few hours of mental duress, and I hope the next time you encounter such a character, you exercise your abdomen muscles by thinking of me and having a hearty laugh at The Stretchers expense.
You may think that with all the aerobic activity being done, The Stretcher would be the moistest after the exam, but you are incorrect. Lest we forget about my favorite character in a testing room: the Sweater. There is not enough anti-perspirant in the universe to quell the nervous sweat glands of this test-taker.The Sweater is my favorite companion (unless the room is cramped, a scenario for which I prepare by always bringing a rain coat to the test) because he reminds me that I am not the most nervous person in the room. By the end of the test, The Sweater has filled out answer choices with tiny little Number two sweat puddles, making his test answers look more like a local YMCA than ABCDE.
Last but not least, there are all the grumpy people that dont want to be up at the crack of dawn to be assigned a number and be judged on a single performance during one day of a long life. If youre not snuffling, stretching, or sweating, thats probably you. Dont fret! Pack a gas mask, blinders and a raincoat and youll be set to dominate even the most animated of testing rooms.
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