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First we had “What exit?” Then Joe Piscopo. Now this.
Look, if you’re gonna rank on someone, find some fresh material, OK? We’ve been living in one state under indictment long enough. We’ve heard ’em all.
Your Worst Nightmare
“Sign up for any Virgin Mobile plan with no annual contract, then get your friend to do the same and we’ll give you both free airtime,” the ad says. The difference: “you can enjoy kickbacks without the handcuffs.”
I’ll bet these humps never had to walk without kneecaps.
Last I looked, plenty of people seemed to like living in “The ‘Sue Me’ State.” Must be something going on between New York and Philly besides A.C., Bruce and IKEA.
Sure, New Jersey lets anyone who can see above the steering wheel operate a moving vehicle. We virtually patented the phony driver’s license.
That’s still no reason for New Yorkers, or anyone else, to treat us the way we treat Seaside Heights.
No matter what Californians say, we invented the malls. We even created the cloverleaf to help get you to those malls.
And the jughandle – don’t forget that one – as well as the hand gestures that tell the nitwit on the cellphone in the Suburban next to me that this lane is mine, pal, keep movin’.
Shoot, we even came up with those notched sticks that tell you how deep the floodwater is before you drive into it. They’re the ones that say “3 ft… 4 ft…” (Designers missed the boat on that. I’d have used: “C’mon… C’mon… C’mon. WHOA!”).
We lifelong Jerseyans have a lot to be proud of. Sure, a bunch of our mayors may be corrupt, but at least they’re legally old enough to drink.
We also produced Sammy (“The ‘A’ Stands For Awesome”) Alito of the U.S. Supremes, along with Count Basie, Patti Smith, Robert Blake (OK, bad choice), Bebe Neuwirt h, Shaq and other remarkable individuals.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but in Jersey, three rights make a left.
So lay off, OK? Don’t make me have to come over there.
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