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High beams flashin, horn blowin, cellphone cocked, I literally ride this bastard to the curb of 14th Street (like I’m gonna make a citizen’s arrest or somethin’).
He gets out, yelling: “What the f—k?”
“What the f–k?!” I yell back. “You tell me!”
(I actually wave off a cop who comes pulling up.)
So I’m getting the mofo’s info when he starts giving me attitude.
I grab his arm.
“Look, mista: You hit ME! What are you pissed about?”
The things that happen when you don’t have a bat!
It is me or is everyone pissed about something? Do they have road rage before they even get in their cars (“I swear, I’m gonna f–king kill someone today”)? Is anger the new drug of choice?
Think I’m kiddin’? Try battling for a parking spot at the mall. These stay-at-homes would sooner run you over with their SUVs than give an inch. Then if you beat them to the spot, they give you the finger — with the rugrats in the back seat!
Try calling a service center for information. It’s like you just interrupted their Cosmo quiz.
“Hello, is this DeMartini’s Farm?”
“Yeah.”
“Are your hayrides scheduled for all day or certain times?”
“Wait a minute.”
(Wait a minute?)
“Um, yeah, all day.”
“And what time do you clo–”
Son of a …. The little witch hung up!
Again, I ask you: Is it me? Or are people just not gettin’ any?
Yesterday, I finally decide: That’s it. I’ve had it with people’s attitudes.
A little while later I’m toolin’ along in my Caddy when I see this woman dragging two huge bags of laundry (And when I say huge, I’m talkin’ big enough to fit the heads of all five New York families).
She tries to cross the street when suddenly this numbnuts cuts her off.
Once again, the Italian chick swings into action:
I roll down my window and ask if she needs a ride.
“Really?”
“Sure.”
She tosses the bags in the trunk and I drive her, like, three blocks. She’s so grateful when we get there.
“I just want you to know that God is gonna love you for this,” she says.
Stick that in your attitude and smoke it, Mr. Squeeze. You too, you SUV-drivin’, middle-finger-wavin’, stay-at-home skank.
Whether you bop your forehead against a wall, bow to the West, burn candles or shave your head, remember: Somebody somewhere must be watchin’.
So be nice, OK?
Like me.
Critics and reviewers have raved about Maryann’s music as well as her standup. She’s opened for Joy Behar and Ray Romano, and has played The Laugh Factory, Broadway Comedy Club and Dangerfield’s. She has a CD of her own and will be featured on Danny Aiello’s upcoming album, “City of Light.” Judging from the looks of the packed houses, she’ll also be staging plenty more performances with the ITALIAN CHICKS, whose show has been called “part meatball, part cannoli.” For more on Maryann, the group, where they’re performing and how to get tickets, click here: ITALIAN CHICKS. Tell ’em CLIFFVIEWPILOT sent you.
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