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That famous philosopher Groucho Marx said, "Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." It's hard to argue that logic, particularly because the current divorce rate in the United States hovers at just below 50 percent. Which means that among your core group of 10 friends, almost half the couples in the equation -- including you -- could wind up divorced.
Many men seem to possess an almost genetic gift to bounce back from divorce, but women generally have a more difficult time getting their lives back together, emotionally, financially and romantically. Therapist Caroline Temple wants them to know they are not alone. She says, "Women can be empowered when they take charge of their own divorce, regardless of whether or not they initiated the process."
For the past eight years, Caroline has overseen a divorce support group for women in her Fairfield office. The group, she says, is itself supportive. "To connect women with women, particularly when they have this life experience in common, is powerful. They learn to make decisions from a position of knowledge rather than from one of fear, which is the best way for them pick up the reins and take control of their lives," she says.
But the gatherings, which run at eight-week intervals, are more crowd sourcing than group therapy. Caroline brings in guest speakers, such as divorce attorneys and financial advisors, to help women self-advocate. The experts highlight critical details of the divorce process that women need to be aware of. "Our speakers bring a dose of reality to the dynamic," says Caroline. "A woman might say, 'My husband left me, so I'm getting everything,' or, 'I want to keep the house,' but the reality, is neither scenario might be realistic or feasible." A woman's contention that she wants to keep the house after a divorce for the sake of her children is a noble one, she adds, but the real picture of her financial situation might make that quest more Quixotic than practical. "Women are nurturers by nature and they put everyone else first, but sometimes they need to put themselves first in for the benefit of everyone involved," she says.
Caroline says, "Making the decision to divorce takes time and a great deal of self-reflection." Although half of all marriages end in divorce, a woman going through one can feel very alone. She adds, "It can shatter a woman's self-esteem and wreak havoc on her life and that of her family." But her group gives women the support they need to discover that the experience can be a transformational one indeed. She lists a few suggestions for staying physically and emotionally well during the turbulent time of divorce.
* Get plenty of sleep and eat healthfully
* Limit exposure to upsetting TV shows, movies -- and to toxic people
* Don't listen to peoples' war stories. They usually don't apply to your situation
* Do some aerobic exercise
* Avoid stimulants such as excessive sugar and caffeine.
* Gravitate towards people, places and things that give you a feeling of calm
* Ask for help.
The next divorce support group begins Wednesday, Jan 5. Click here for more information.
Please share your divorce stories with me -- bad, and hopefully good. Email me, at jcurtis@mainstreetconnect.us.
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