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The author with sons Garan (11), Justin (1), Garak (15), grandma Filomena (91)
It’s one of the quotes, prayers and sayings on my Facebook wall that I’ve found on other people’s walls and have tried to live by since I wrote here last year of my trials and tribulations.
I was pleased to discover that it helps not only me but others to read them (well, aside from those people who just like to criticize everything and anything anyone ever does).
Many who have read my story have wondered what has happened since then. Thank you for asking.
First, there’s real estate school:
The new real estate agency that I really hyped in my story didn’t end up what I originally thought. The broker promised to cover the fees I needed to acquire a license as long as I wrote something for the agency web site. I fulfilled my assignment almost immediately. They didn’t follow through.
Long story short: I don’t have my license.
I’m OK with that. After all is said and done, maybe that wasn’t the career I was meant to be in. But, I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. The instructor taught me to have confidence in myself again.
And that, my friends, does not have a price tag.
Then there’s my oldest:
Since he was assaulted by a family member, he’s had to deal with some struggles a kid should never have to. But he still has a good heart — and I am so grateful for that. He’s gone to counseling sessions and come a long way since we left California.
As for the family member who assaulted him: I talked about it with my son and we’ve both decided on forgiveness. However, we’ve also agreed never to let that person hurt us again. I’m proud of my son for forgiving someone for something so bad. And I’m even prouder that he knows forgiveness doesn’t mean giving someone the opportunity to hurt him again.
As for family life:
We still struggle from time to time. And, to be honest, there are times I want to give up. But I’m learning that being in a family means accepting that all of us will make mistakes. I can’t always think I will give up on someone if they hurt me. I can, however, keep people from treating me poorly again. It’s getting better.
My goals?
I’m not quite sure where I’m headed. I know I want to make money and better provide for my family. I’m not going to push myself into doing something I know I won’t be able to handle, though, because what affects me negatively can cripple how far I’ve come mentally and physically. It also — and this matters to me most — affects how I deal with my family.
Since my story ran, I’ve heard from people who said they were helped by it, so I‘m trying to get it published in some type of format. I haven’t had any luck so far, but I haven’t given up.
Meanwhile, I’ve reconnected with so many childhood friends. That has made me so incredibly happy. I’ve also reconnected with people I had mistakenly written out of my life, and disconnected with people who weren’t true friends, anyway. In an effort to continue striving toward a more positive Kara, I am accepting that it isn’t healthy to be angry at the people who talk trash, believe the lies or are ultra-judgmental.
I also realize that I’m not the angel I thought I was in certain situations — and that if there are people who want to cut me out of their lives as well, they have that right. Life goes on and
so must I.
I still struggle. There are things that are beyond my control. I can linger in sadness longer than I should. There are things I need but don’t have. I’m far from perfect.
But instead of dwelling on the bad, I try and find the good. When I let negativity take control of my life, it does just that … it controls me. So what if people say bad things about me? Letting it get to me gives them even more of an advantage, leaving me with none.
So what that each day can be a struggle? Dwelling on it only saps my motivation to find ways to overcome. So what if horrible things happened to me, or I feel ashamed of my past behavior? They’ll only get in the way of what CAN happen. If I dwell too long, I’ll never learn to reconcile.
Not that I’m going to forget the past. How else can I learn if not from my mistakes?
You also have to forgive, as a priest once told me during confession, if you want to get on with your life. If you are truly sorry for what you’ve done to others and forgive them for what they’ve done to you, believe me, you will be ready to take on the toughest challenge of all — forgiving yourself.
THE SERIES
EDITOR’S NOTE: Former award-winning journalist Kara Machado, who gave birth to her third son last year, chronicles her battle against drugs, depression and evil colleagues in CLIFFVIEW PILOT‘s first-ever serialized report.
PART I: As far back as I can remember, I’ve battled sadness and anxiety. Then I fell into a three-year spiral that pitted me against my inner and outer demons. I‘m not sure what pulled me under. Maybe it was the influence of the most bizarre and unusual of pen pals, Charles Manson himself. CLICK HERE….
PART II: Like most crime reporters, I was obsessed with nailing a “criminal celebrity” interview. As it turned out, the nearby city of Corcoran, Calif. had two prisons: One held mostly drug offenders — Robert Downey Jr., for instance. The other had some of the most notorious: Sirhan Sirhan, Juan Corona, and one of the most vile creatures to walk the earth: Charles Manson. CLICK HERE….
PART III: I was feeling pretty good about myself after some severe bouts with drugs and depression when I went out drinking one night with my cousins. That’s when I met John. It’s truly amazing how easily we put our self-esteem into another’s hands, only to have it stomped on. CLICK HERE….
PART IV: I woke up one morning in the back seat of my car, in my driveway. I didn’t know how I got there, what happened. It was only later that I discovered a so-called friend dosed my drink and raped me, as three other “friends” stood in the doorway. CLICK HERE….
PART V: I don’t care what anyone says: People are complicated. Look at John. I showed him the door after he made me feel awful about myself. But when life smacked me down and things looked their worst, there he was. Soon as I was back on my feet, he was at it again. CLICK HERE….
PART VI: No place to live, with two boys already and another on the way. CLICK HERE….
THE CONCLUSION: Truth and Falsehood were bathing; Falsehood came out of the water and dressed herself in Truth’s clothes. Truth, unwilling to put on the garments of Falsehood, went naked. (ANONYMOUS). Child support was on its way, but we barely had enough to buy the kids a meal when we reached Boise. It meant we had to spend the night in the car in the Walmart parking lot. CLICK HERE….
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