How many of you went to Catholic school? Were ya bad? What did you do? Oh yeah? Did you ever set a nun on fire? I did.
I went to Our Lady of Perpetual Motion in Fort Lee. Had this nun who haaaaaaated me. She was huge, like 6-foot-2. But she didn’t scare me. I was the tough girl at school, the one who would say “Meet me at Dairy Queen after school. I’m gonna kick your ass.” And the other girls knew I would.
So it’s Christmas time and we had this live tree in class — with candles on it. And the nun says we’re gonna take a class picture around it. Only Maryann will take the photo.
So I couldn’t join in any reindeer games.
So Sister Bigfoot lights the candles, then gets all my classmates around the tree. OK, we’re ready.
As I’m looking through the lens, her head is cut off. So I tell her to back up. Yeah, that’s it. A little bit more, sister. More…. More (C’mon, baby, light my fire).
I swear, her veil went up like cotton candy!
So she runs to the water cooler outside the door and literally dunks her own head…
… and I end up in the principal’s office.
Only they don’t just suspend me. Noooo. They brand me a descendant of Satan!
Mom was piiiiiiiiiiissed.
They thought I was a rebel. They never gave me a chance, really. They just assumed I was who I was and they treated me that way. So I gave them what I thought they wanted…and then some.
We had this history project. All these kids were building castles and makin’ moats and shit.
So I get home and yell “MA!!!”
“Do you have a potato?”
“OK, can you put the potato and the big knife in a bag for me?”
“I need it for a school project.”
“Thanks, Ma. Don’t forget the knife.”
So I get called up to the front of the class for my project.
I hold the knife behind my back as I put the potato on the table.
I say two words: “Anne Bolin.”
Then wham! I whack the potato in half.
Back to the principal’s office….
I hated math, especially fractions. So Twisted Sister sends me up to the board with the two smartest kids in class. Renee in on my left, Carole on my right. But sister, I don’t know this stuff. I need help.
Next I know: boom! Their chalk is down — and so are they, back in their seats, like they just finished some TV show lightning round.
And I’m standin’ there, sweatin’. My ears are on fire. I can feel my barettes sliding down my hair. You’d think I was creating the formula for hydrogen.
All of a sudden, the nun slams her book on the floor.
“Where were you when the Lord was giving out brains?” she yells.
I don’t miss a beat.
“Right behind you, sister!”
Now she runs to the board and starts bangin’ my head against it. Bam! Bam! Bam!
My barettes are stuck in my head and I’m bleedin’.
So I’m sittin’ the principal’s office with a bloody head and all I want to do is tell Sister Pesci to meet me at the Dairy Queen.
In the end, I am once again left to tell Ma that they think my distinct uncle 1,000 times removed may have been the Devil himself.
Needless to say, my religious mom is not happy. I’m definitely not happy, either — until after 6th grade, when they ask her to put me in public school.
Can I get an amen???
Reviewers have raved about Maryann’s music & standup. She’s opened for Joy Behar and Ray Romano, and has played The Laugh Factory, Broadway Comedy Club and Dangerfield’s. She has a CD out and will be featured on Danny Aiello’s upcoming album, “City of Light.” Judging from the looks of the packed houses, she’ll also be staging plenty more performances with the ITALIAN CHICKS, whose show has been called “part meatball, part cannoli.” For more on Maryann, the group, where they’re performing & how to get tickets, click here: ITALIAN CHICKS. Tell ’em CLIFFVIEWPILOT sent you.
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